Dec 07, 2010 How to EF up your Chances with these Types of Girls
Artsy
Take her to a Matthew Barney show, like inside his refrigerator with all that waxy stuff; say “hey, this reminds me of Beuys’ work—man, it’s fucking freezing in here,” mispronouncing Beuys. Go to the museum store by the lobby afterwards and look at weird stuff designed in Japan; tell her she looks good in that plastic wobbly thing and does she want to come to your place to see your early Warhol print. Take her home and realize you left your Die Hard 2 DVD on the coffee table with last night’s Panda Express. As she’s leaving, say “my bed frame is Bauhaus, I think.”
Online
Email her on and off for half a year, then finally send her a gchat invite; when she declines it, wait two hours then email her asking was it because you are “invisible” (on gmail, and symbolically); tell her you blog for popular websites and that 30-35 people visit your tumblr a day; ask her what’s the closest airport to her city, and is there a Hertz rent-a-car kiosk there. Ask her if her twin mattress squeaks much. When she finally emails back “please stop before I block you,” take a screen-shot of that and email it to her thinking you’re being meta. Then unfriend her.
Emo
Ask her where she buys her mascara and reply, “totally, CVS rocks”; try to relate to her by talking about how living an upper-middle-class life in suburbia made you pretty emotional too, when you were 14.
Hipster
Get into an argument on whether or not wearing a Mötley Crüe Dr. Feelgood t-shirt is ironic or isn’t ironic. Offer that irony is to hipsters what Allah is to Muslims: a word which precludes rational discussion by alienating the uninitiated. Have difficulty opening a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon due to chronic fingernail biting. Ask her if she’s really broke, or just doesn’t believe in deodorant. Ask her if the sunglasses she is wearing inside the dark bar make the dark bar darker.
Drunk
Your chances have never been better. Notice her at an Irish pub leaning heavily against the wall, near the pay phones in the back. Notice the glimmer of what appears to be either vomit or hot wing sauce on her left thigh. Go over to her, smell cologne from other men, most likely Italian-Americans; when she doesn’t notice you encroach, plug her nostrils to test if she’s still breathing. Pray that her pants are not too tight to remove without Crisco. When she suddenly screams, calmly walk away.
Smart
See her reading “The Economist” at a café and carefully approach her from behind. Carefully lean over her shoulder and scream HAVE YOU TAKEN THE LSAT OR GRE? I BET YOU GOT A REALLY HIGH SCORE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WENT TO SARAH LAWRENCE. Say you have a subscription to “The Economist” too; tell her you are bilingual, which will work wonders when she booty calls you over to such diverse places as New Haven or Cambridge. Talk about global trade, China, derivatives, the falling dollar, and the rising of your pulse because she is so lovely. Accidentally knock her latte over, and apologize for your low SAT score.
Yuppie
Temp at Goldman Sachs for two weeks “reorganizing” their files by way of shredding papers, after their Equity Research branch is audited; notice an attractive professional woman, a Jr. Account Executive dressed in Ann Taylor “business casual.” Read Rilke’s The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge at the kitchenette during your lunch breaks hoping she will notice and ask you what you’re reading, so that you may impress her with how deep and depressed you are. See her get picked up one Friday night by an attractive man who looks like he makes $200,000+ a year and has a 7.5″ penis. Say “fuck Rilke,” and quit temp job.
Ugly
Tell her that looks aren’t everything, and besides, you’re legally blind so you’ll simply remove your glasses when you “do her,” and if she oinks maybe her nose will seem less out of place.
via Thought Catalog